When it's Time to Change

I have managed to get sick with my annual sinus cold/infection/laryngitis fun, so my voice alternately sounds like Peter Brady singing the "Time to Change" song or like a frog who has a very, very bad smoking habit.  Awesome, no?

What's new in my world?  Not much, I guess.  School is fine.  My kids are really quite delightful this year and I'm enjoying them.  I'm getting better at not letting my idiot boss bother me so much and I'm trying (and not always succeeding) to step back and let other people run the show.

A friend of mine recently gave birth to her daughter.  Because I've been sick, I haven't had a chance to meet the baby yet.  I'm hoping it goes well, that I don't burst into tears or that my soul bursts into flames of jealousy.

My house is a disaster.  It looks like wildebeests live here.  We are having our annual Christmas party soon and I am starting to get nervous that the house will not be clean by the time our guests arrive.  I like the party once it is in full swing but the preparation part?  Not so much.  We ask people to bring a toy to donate to Toys for Tots and it's always fun to see what people bring. 

Will you all think less of me if I admit that I'm a total Twilight fan?  Well, sadly, I am.  And I'm playing hooky from work on Friday to go see New Moon with a friend who is similarly obsessed. 

So I guess that's about it from my end.  How are you guys?

Things I Love

Well, since my last post was all about the positive cap, I changed the idea of this post from things I hate to things I love.  I figured it was bad form to go all negative right after I sang the virtues of being positive.  Rats!  Rest assured, the "Things I Hate" post is still brewing inside of me.  It will come out soon.  I can feel it!

But on to the positivity:

(Some) Things I Love
1.  My  husband who went out on Tuesday night and bought the Glee CD for me.  He is awesome.

2.  Things that make my husband laugh, because his laugh is cute and it makes me laugh.

3.  Students who are not opposed to THINKING.

4.  My silly cat who is currently being called Rocket Squeaks.  Or Re-Chub, depending.

5.  Making my colleagues laugh.

6.  My friend C, who keeps me sane at school.

7.  Toothpaste.

8.  Books

9.  My friend K who is obsessed with Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn with me.

10.  The smell of clean laundry.

11.  The automatic litter box in my house.

12.  My nephew who thinks I am awesome.

13.  My friend J who is writing a book with me.

14.  My fun new nail polish color.

15.  Massages

16.  The smell of fall.

17.  Flowers

18.  Sleeping in

19.  Reading day in my classroom.

20.  My blog friends.

There.  20 things I love.  :)

Positive Cap, Anyone?

When I was a freshman in college, I met and became friends with an absolutely wonderful group of women.  They were (and are) amazing people and I will forever feel their imprint on my heart and on my life.

One of the silly little ways I continue to feel their love is in the manifestation of the POSITIVE CAP.  What is the Positive Cap, you ask?  Well, the PC is something we make a concious choice to put on when we're really not feeling oh-so-very positive.  Having a crappy day?  Put on the PC and look for the silver lining.  It sounds ridiculous, I know, but just the idea of the PC makes me think of these women and that alone is enough to pull me out of my wallowing for a little while.  So it works, people.  Try it.  :)

Here's an example from my own life:  I was summoned for jury duty on Monday, November 2nd.  I've never been summoned before, so that freaks me out a bit.  And when you're a teacher, there's no such  thing as a day off.  One must leave detailed sub plans in one's absence and one must also pray like a maniac for a decent sub to be placed in one's room if there's any hope of salvaging the lost time.  But, because I'm not interested in going to jail, to jury duty I will go tomorrow.

The Positive Cap spin?  I don't have to report until 9:30 a.m.  The court where I am headed is 15 minutes from my house.  This means I can sleep in until 8:15-ish and have a completely leisurely morning.  I usually get up at 5:45, people.  8:15?!?!?!  This is unheard of-a GOLD MINE of SLEEP, I tell you!

See...don't you like my positive cap?  Aren't you jealous of its fetching beauty on my head?  There's plenty of PCs to go around, ladies.  Join the trend that's sweeping my  blog!

Stuff Gets in the Way

Life is keeping me far too busy for my tastes.  Sometimes I wonder if it's the circumstances or my need to not focus the utter quiet in my house, in my heart, in my head.

School is insanely busy.  I keep saying yes to commitments I want to say no to.  I feel like I should wear a shock collar of some sort that zaps me every time I say yes.  It probably wouldn't work, though.  I'd be like the dogs who brace themselves for the zap and run through the invisible fence line anyway.

I went on a writing retreat this weekend.  I've been talking and talking about a professional book idea with a friend and we keep meaning to put it on paper.  My therapist says I need to look for other ways to create in my life right now, since creating life is no longer an option.  So off I went to write on the shores of Lake Michigan this weekend.  It was good to begin the process, but the whispering of why I was really there never shut off.  The book was supposed to be a diversion til I had a baby, you know?

Scott re-did my blog for me this weekend and made my new header.  He is so smart and so sweet and so amazing to me.  I ache that he won't be able to share this with our children.

I ache that my parents won't get to be grandparents to my children.  They are so amazing with my sister's children and I so, so wanted them to be a vibrant presence in the life of my children.  My extended family was always so far away when I was growing up that I was looking forward to giving my kids a different kind of experience.  It's one of the reasons I gave up my job near Lansing when I found out my sister was pregnant with her first child; I wanted to be known by her children. 

Things are not going so well economically here (as everyone knows) and K-12 education funding is taking a huge hit in the budget for state government.  I just received my 10-year pin in the district I currently work in and I pray fervently every night that I will (A) still have a job in January and (B) still have a job for next school year.  Yes, it's that bad.  And it's not just about having a job and a paycheck...I love my students.  I love what I do, even when I complain about it.  And I know that, if I lose my job, that means class sizes of 38+ kids per classroom and no one will be learning anything of value.  And I worry about that for my students.

So it's been a week.  There is always sweet mixed in with the bitter.  I'll try to write more about that next time.

Resurfacing

Thank you for being sweet to me as I feel sorry for myself. Thank you for continuing to be my friend, for listening to me, and for being supportive.

So I won't be giving up blogging, because I value you guys and the friendships I've made. It would make me too sad to not peek in on your lives (via your blogs, not via stalking!) and keep up with your amazingness. I may need to re-group and revise my blog a little bit (much like I'm re-grouping and revising the vision I had for my life), but I'll still be around.

Life, in non-TTC news, is good. Scott and I took a few weekend trips this fall and enjoyed each other's company. My kids at school are, on the whole, delightful. (I have a few kids I want to poke in the eye with a spork, but they are far outnumbered by the good ones.) I got a letter in the mail today from my five year old nephew. He wrote it and decorated it himself. At the top, it said "I love you." It was seriously one of the best pieces of mail I have ever received. :) My new car is awesome and still smells new. Gabby, my little black cat, has finally found a new food she finds acceptable and she's started to eat again. Whew. I have a zillion shows saved on my TiVo and have been slowly catching up.

So how are all of you?

Or not quite...

Well, miracles were needed and none were forthcoming, sadly. Dr. NONA said she is highly concerned about my success rate with IVF. Given that I respond so poorly to the high dose of meds I'm given during my IUI and non-IUI cycles, she is thinking IVF will be a bust for me.

"You're welcome to try it, but I would hate to see you go to the expense if it isn't going to work."

Yup. This was my (not-so) secret fear. I know I don't respond well to the meds. I know getting one little follicle for IVF is not ideal, nor is it what they look for. So I figured this was the shoe that would be dropping on me on October 1st.

So now what? I don't know, exactly. I wonder if I should stop blogging. I've been horrible at it as of late and who really cares what I have to say anyway? I would miss my blogging friends and the doses of pure, sweet support you all have given me, but if I'm not actively trying to make a baby, then who am I? And why should I have a TTC blog?

Scott and I are considering adoption. But it is expensive and we are not wealthy. I know that's not a good reason not to go for it, but if we do, we won't be doing it anytime soon. We would need to take a significant chunk of time to save up the money. And then there's the waiting. And the possibilty of never being chosen. (Aah, school-yard gym class team-choosing at its finest. Ouch.) Why doesn't anyone want to just give us a baby? We would be good parents, I swear.

Maybe God, karma, the universe, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whomever, is trying to tell me to just give up, already. I know I am stubborn and thick-headed, so maybe being repeatedly knocked over the head with the 2X4 of crappy fate will *finally* get it through my thick skull?!!? I just really don't know. I was pretty certain I was destined to be a mom.

Then again, maybe not.

Hi, ho, Hi, ho...it's to IVF we go...

Alas, as much as I wanted to be wrong about my feelings of AF's impending arrival a few weeks ago, I was not. I tried to talk myself out of knowing what my body was telling me. I should not do that anymore, for it is a waste of time and emotional energy.

In other words, yes, the bitch showed up. She was horrible, horrible for the first few days, but she took a small measure of pity on me and stopped before school started. I hate to thank her and make her feel welcome in my uterus, but I was grateful. It's the little things when you just can't make a baby. The little things mean a lot.

So I called and made my appointment with Dr. New-Old-New Again. It's on Thursday, October 1st, and I'm hoping it doesn't turn out to be a harbinger of the Halloween season. I'm terrified. I'm anxious to go because I want to know just where I'm headed, but I'm afraid I'm going to hit the "Game Over" jackpot. Dr. NONA scares me a little, can you tell?

Scott is going to come with me to the appointment, for which I'm grateful. I feel bad for pulling him away from work because it's been so awful there for him and it only makes it worse when he's gone (He got two vacation days this summer, and not because he didn't have more to take. That's all his boss would give him.) but I cannot do this alone anymore. I have out-of-body experiences when I meet with Dr. NONA and I never remember half of what she tells me.

Decisons I think I will have to make: IVF-yes or no? (I think yes, although I'm a scared little wienerhead about it.) Donor Eggs? Depends on what Dr. NONA says. My sister has offered, bless her heart. Gestational Surrogate? Depends again. Again, my sister has offered. I'm quite tempted to take her up on it. I don't *need* to be pregnant. I want a baby. And my sister is a proven breeder (I know that sounds terrible, but I mean it in a good way). But again, so much to ask. So much is tied up in that.

So, in the end, I need prayers. If you don't pray, I need good, positive energy. I need wishes for clear thinking and good decision-making skills. I need a miracle.